I hate that it feels so weird to be opening up my computer and typing. Something that I consider to be such a passion of mine I feel has really drifted farther and farther away from me. I hate that so much.
As I celebrated my oldest daughters 6th birthday last week, I realized that I have been running this blog for almost SEVEN years now. SEVEN! I know that by now I should probably have accomplished so many things when it comes to my business…Like that breakfast e-book. Or a cookbook for that matter ;).
I won’t lie and say that I get excited every time I sign into my website, because truth be told the opposite happens. When I sign in, I get a knot in my stomach. I get sad. I don’t know where to begin, what to write, what to share, or what to post. It’s been too long since I have established a schedule or a continuous relationship with my readers. Which always brings me back to the point of, “where do I begin?”
Begin? Shouldn’t I be in the middle and the thick of it? Beginning happened like 7 years ago, not now…
Here is where I (we) are at. I’ve got 3 girls under the age of 6. I love them so much. They keep me on my toes constantly, and some days I ask my self if I’ve done all I can to be a good mother. And other days I ask myself when was the last time I’ve washed my hair. When I can’t remember, it’s time to shower…
My husband is busier than ever. He works one full time job and another part time job, roughly 55-60 hours a week. He also volunteers often in church, and not to mention also spending time with his girls at home. We are quite demanding, and selfishly want him home all.the.time.
We live in Las Vegas, and have been for 4 years now. We are in the thick of summer, and every time summer comes around I swear we are moving. It’s hot, which keeps us indoors most of the time. That means entertaining 3 littles 12 hours a day. It’s been hard living away from all of our family, having people to call on when you need to nap…or shower…But we’ve done it and I think we’ve done it well.
Over the years I’ve had babies, raised babies, tended toddlers, and raised big girls. (Right now it’s all at once.) The days can be long and hard, but definitely so rewarding. I’ve definitely surrounded myself with everything ‘mommy’ right now, and part of me has lost a little of who I am. When it’s just you (or me) raising the kids most of the time, you really don’t have too many options. Taking care of yourself always comes last, and I have such a hard time saying yes to myself.
Which is why this blog has become last on the list. Not willingly, but over time I feel I have forgotten who I am and what I love. Ok, forgotten is a strong word. Not forgotten, but definitely lost a little. I think a lot of people go through things like this, especially mothers. We selflessly give all of us, and leave little to none left for our selves. We love others more than we love ourselves, and that’s ok. I know my girls needed/need me. Every sleepless night and tiring day has been worth it. I know that this phase is and will be only a moment in time.
I’ve definitely questioned whether or not having this blog was worth it. It isn’t cheap to keep a website running, especially when the rewards are well…$0.00. I never did it for the money though, honestly. I started The Diva Dish after reading ‘Oh She Glows’ and ‘Bakerella’ for HOURS one afternoon. I couldn’t believe people could have their own website and share the things they loved and were good at. I remember each day being SO excited to post and share, and develop healthy recipes.
Despite falling away, something has always told me not to stop. No matter how many times I was on the verge of calling it off, something always told me a firm NO. Part of me knew that if I said goodbye to it all, then I was really letting go of who I was. While the other part of me told me that saying goodbye would mean that I would never reach my goals or my dreams because they ARE attainable. Maybe just not when I want them.
Every successful person has never made it to where they are by easily floating to the top. People will endure hardship after hardship to get where they want to be. I’m not saying that motherhood has been a hardship for me. It has been hard, but if anything, mothering has been part of the process of making me stronger so that I can reach those goals. It’s been the greatest blessing to raise my kids, because I know how important the work that I do within the walls of my home is.
Raising a family and raising my kids and all that I’ve taught them is something I can’t do later in life. It needed to happen now, and if I had to put off my dreams…I’m 100% ok with that.
So I’m not going any where, although sometimes it might be quiet around here. I still am holding on to what I love and I know that someday I will get there. Right now I’m saddling up my horse and buggy while everyone zooms past me on their electric flying cars. IT’S OK! I have so much faith I will get there and bring the good into the world, it just takes time…
Thank you for those that have stuck around. Thank you to those who have constantly commented and supported me. I truly consider each of you my friends, and I honestly know majority of your names! Thank you thank you!